Small Ego

image courtesy of ERBzine

Some tens of thousands years ago, when the planet Earth was just beginning to populate with humans, Manty was enjoying the lush forest with plenty of animals to hunt for his family.

He was proud of muscular, fit body and had healthy, long black hair. He only had to cover his genital area, and his body was thoroughly enjoying strong youthful body, feeling soft blowing breeze, jungle sun, and his feet were touching the ground moisture when he made each steps. Feeling of contentment coursed through his entire being.

Suddenly he saw a lioness with a few cubs. He threw his sharp knife at her jugular vein and the lioness fell to the ground. He knew he was very skillful, no doubt today also made a nice kill. He performed his duty to supply food for his many women and children. His today’s job also done marvelously. Scared of animal? No such thing for him! He was never scared of anything!

With ease, he carried the prize on his shoulder, headed to the cave where his women and children were waiting. He dropped the animal on the ground, and women in the family did the rest: skinned, washed, and cooked. In his time, they knew how to use fire, he used spear, knife and arrow. Women also knew how to roast the animal on the fire. They ate with hands, no such thing as fork, or knife yet. They also ate plants. Manty said lion meat was very tough, and he preferred snake meat which was much tender and juicy.

S         So after dinner, what do you do?
M        I choose one woman to embrace. I am very rough.
S         Why? do you enjoy that way?
M        Yes, I like it that way. Because I am the power. I like feeling the power.
S         What about the woman? Does she enjoy that way?
M         No, she does not.
S         Then, what do you do to make her feel happy?
M         I don’t do anything. They are powerless. They just have to accept.

On the following night, he was sobbing. I asked him why.

M         I am all alone, feeling very lonely.
S          What happened? Why do you feel lonely? You have a big family and many women to embrace.
M         No one understands me, they don’t know how my heart feels.
S          Did you tell anyone how your heart feels?
M         No, I don’t talk these things to any. Because I am a man, I keep it to myself.
S         So what really is bothering you now?
M        The woman I wanted, she did not want me.
S         Oh! What happened?
M        She left me for another man.
S         Are you kidding?! Why did she leave you? Do you know why?
M        She liked the other man more, so she left.
S         Really? Can she do that? I mean she was your wife, right?
M         I guess they meant to be together.

So days had gone by, he never embraced another woman, not even once after that. Weeks and months had gone by, he kept brooding, stayed alone, away from the family, but he supplied foods for his family.

He started not liking himself, felt something about him not so desirable as a man. He felt like he was nothing. He did not and could not show his family how he felt. He used to feel very confident, but that woman who left him took away something from him. She took away his pride, he said.

S         What was so special about that woman?
M         I liked her. She was beautiful, feminine and she had something about her eyes that I liked much.
S         Did she like you in the beginning?
M        Yes, she liked me in the beginning.

He started thinking there was no value of continuing his life that way, and without manhood he felt there was no use. He was nothing, he felt. “Manhood was so important, nothing can insult it”. One day, he decided. He grabbed his spear, headed to the forest. He speared himself through his stomach to a tree, ended his life.

A few days later, his family found his body. They carried the body to the cave, and an elder of the family tore open his belly, took out all organs out, cut his body into pieces, they roasted them, and ate them. Manty said it was the custom, his body was their food. He felt nothing strange about them eating the body.

S         So looking at your family, what do you see now?
M        They are all scurrying around, begging for help for other community to accept them.
S         How do you feel looking at them in that way?
M        I feel very, very, sorry.
S         So if that happens again, what could you have done differently?
M        I could have chosen any other woman. I had so many. But it was so insulting, I could not stand being insulted that way.
S         Ending your life that way, now looking back the life you just had, what did you learn?
M        It was very unwise decision. I acted from a small ego. Keeping manhood was not that important at all.